Operation Pink Herring

Hi.

I've seen this happen with several other bloggers in the final run-up to their weddings and I really didn't understand it.  They just stopped posting!  Didn't they have millions of things to tell us about?  

And now here I am, doing the same thing.  I have TONS to talk about.  We have a honeymoon!  My dress came in!  I had a bridal shower!  I'm still hung over from my bachelorette party!   So why have I written about none of it?   You guys, I have just been so. busy.  No, seriously.  More busy than I thought was possible.   I'm doing far better on the anxiety front, but there is just so much to do and so many people to meet with that it kind of blows my mind.  (It doesn't help that I also have to go to physical therapy for my stupid knee (because of the stupid car accident) twice a week.)  How busy could a person possibly be, you ask?  Well, let me put it to you this way.  We still have five (FIVE) episodes of LOST in our Tivo.  The show ended in May.  Don't tell us what happened in the finale.

But there's another part of it, too.  I feel like these things -- these huge, monumental once-in-a-lifetime events  -- deserve a well thought-out paragraph at the very least and I just don't know how to put them into words.  The silent horror of watching a Russian seamstress slash two feet of crinoline out from underneath said wedding dress with a pair of shears.  The excitement of getting our marriage license and then the sinking distress of LOSING IT BETWEEN THE COURTHOUSE AND THE STARBUCKS WHERE WE MET THE MINISTER.  (Joel found it.  Phew.) The creeping panic that there are twenty-seven days until the wedding and the caterer isn't answering my emails.

There are so many emotions sloshing around in my brain that I don't even know where to begin.  I'm still anxious about a lot of things, but that's just par for the course.   I had a dream that the antique picnic basket that we bought to use at the reception for gifts and cards didn't have the aluminum lining when we got it home and I went back to the store and demanded they give me that goddamn lining.  The guy tried to argue that I hadn't paid an extra fee for the aluminum lining, so I didn't get the lining.  This dream ended with me yelling I WANT THAT [EXPLETIVE DELETED] LINING in an antique shop, and just think!  Two days ago I had no idea that antique picnic baskets even HAD lining.  I am anxious about how the final details of the wedding day timeline are going to come together, I'm anxious about missing tux measurements, I'm anxious about our two very different families meeting for the first time under such emotionally charged circumstances.  Basically, anything that I can't control and track with a spreadsheet makes me anxious.  But this is nothing new.  It just... is.

When I'm not too busy feeling anxious, I am so happy and excited that I want to cry.  I was overwhelmed this weekend at my bridal shower (which was the most lovely event I've ever been to ever) by the outpouring of generosity and love.  The instructions I gave requesting a low-key, quiet bachelorette party were completely ignored, my sister in law went home with some extremely incriminating videos WHICH SHE PROMISED NOT TO SHOW MY BROTHER, and I am pretty sure I still have a hangover.  Who could ask for anything more than that?

I have been thinking a lot about why I am so keyed up when I know, I KNOW, that none of these details really matter.  I've concluded that the details are just taking the hit for the larger, underlying issues that go along with a wedding.  I'm excited.  I'm terrified.  I'm ecstatic, and I'm sad.  I feel like I should care about things like giving up my maiden name, but instead I cried over selling my Jetta.  Things that were supposed to be hard are easy and things that weren't even on the radar are impossibly difficult.   Every day I think about writing, but I struggle to find the right way to describe how I'm feeling and then it's 11pm and we haven't eaten dinner yet.   I understand now why so many blogger brides go MIA.  I'm not sure I can explain it, but I understand.  (I won't, though. Promise.)

This has probably been a long time coming

Hey, so you know what I did last weekend?  I went to my brother's wedding!  It was the most lovely wedding in the history of weddings.  Here's a picture of the newlyweds.

And that's the only picture I actually have with people in it (and by "people", yes, I mean "their hands") because, huh, that weekend went by at a supernaturally fast pace.  Possibly that shot of vodka my other brother and I did at 1:30 am in the hotel bar had something to do with it.  We were just trying to determine how drunk we were.  You all know the foolproof How Drunk Are You Test, right?  You do a shot of vodka.  If you need a chaser, you're not drunk enough.  If you accuse the bartender of putting water in your shot glass instead of vodka, who does he think he istrying to cut you off, you're fine and you KNOW water when you taste it THERE IS NO WAY THAT WAS VODKA SHUT UP OMG: you're probably drunk.  Seriously, this test works every time.  Try it!

Ever since we got home from my brother's lovely wedding, a sense of general panic has been slowly building up.  You see, I'd been using that wedding as a landmark in my head.  Every time I'd have one of those nagging thoughts about how I really probably should be figuring out whether we need to order table numbers and escort cards and maybe we should register at more than one store, I'd shrug it off because we still have lots of time -- and besides, we need to focus on K's wedding!  And his wedding is much closer!    Every time I'd start to worry about something for our wedding, I'd think about how stressed they must be and I'd go Google chat with my brother about how things were going and we'd exclaim over how fast the time was going by and how much fun the wedding was going to be.  I felt like I knew what I was talking about.  Don't worry about this, forget about that, all that matters is the two of you and your happiness blah blah blah. 

And now that their wedding is over and the newlyweds are off honeymooning in Hawaii, I'm starting to freak out.  There is no other way to put it.  There are a million seemingly simple decisions that need to be made and I just don't know.  Should we extend the reception by an hour?  On the one hand, we have people coming in from very far away to celebrate with us and I feel like the least we can do is give them a party that goes past 10pm... and on the other hand, I don't think I can live with myself if we spend $850 for one hour of time, and that's how much it would cost us to tack on extra time with the venue, the caterer and the DJ.  

Should we have table numbers printed?  What about programs and menu cards?  And what about shuttles from the hotels to the wedding and back again after the reception?  Will people be upset if we don't offer any transportation? 

And have I mentioned that we haven't booked a honeymoon, or even decided on where we want to go?   Or that my dress, which I ordered from a Very Reputable Bridal Shop in November hasn't arrived yet?  I was pretty much OK with both of these facts, but it seems I'm the only one who feels that way.  Everyone I've told about the MIA dress has been horrified.  What do you mean it's not here?  The wedding is six weeks away!  Uh, yes, I am aware.  But what am I supposed to do?  I have been faithfully calling the dress shop every week and they've assured me that everything is fine and the dress will be here in time.  And after all... we still have six weeks!  Six weeks is plenty of time to do whatever needs to be done with wedding dresses.  I'm annoyed that it's late and I'm aggravated that I cannot squeeze a definitive delivery date out of them, but there's no need to panic... right?

And the honeymoon... I mean, I don't' even know what to say to people who say things like "what are you waiting for?  I planned my entire honeymoon to Jamaica in two hours!"  That's great, but we're not interested in an all-inclusive lay-by-the-pool resort vacation.  We're considering all sorts of places: Ireland, Iceland, Canada, San Francisco.  Sure, we're a little behind the traditional schedule, but we've booked entire trips in far less time than six weeks.  In fact, if we book something this weekend as planned, I'm pretty sure it will be the farthest in advance we've ever booked a trip.  We booked the Barcelona trip less than a month ahead.  I only had about three weeks advance notice about the Scotland. So... we're fine, right?  Then why do I feel very much NOT FINE?

Worst of all, I hate myself for feeling this way.  Up until now, I've stuck to my mantra: if it's stressing you out, CUT IT.  I've caught myself a few times this week thinking "wow, it will be kind of nice when this wedding is over", and that is totally unacceptable.  I refuse to feel that way.  I refuse to spend our money and our time on something that isn't at least 90% enjoyable all the way through.

And so... yeah.  So that's how things are going!  I have been hesitating to write this entry because I'm afraid it'll sound whiny, I'm afraid it'll sound like I've lost focus on what really matters and I'm afraid I'll cringe if I re-read this a year from now.  Also, I'm a little bit nervous I might start crying.  I don't know how to write about how stressed I am without sounding like I'm not tremendously excited, which I am.  But I just feel like if I get another email from Macy's with helpful "last minute" wedding registry advice I might kill someone. 

Honestly, I cannot wait for our wedding.  I am so excited and so thrilled and so completely in love.  I know that's all that matters.  But I'm having trouble convincing the rest of the wedding industry.

Film School

Joel's favorite part of this website is the sporadic, neglected movie review portion in the sidebar.  Assuming that 99.5% of you use a feed reader, I'm pretty sure he's the only person that knows it even exists.   Even though we nearly always watch movies sitting side by side in the theater, this is for you sweetie:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Rating: three out of four stars

Maybe I missed a lot since I haven't read the comics, but I have seen (and own) all three of the other X-men movies, and I love Wolverine.  Who doesn't love Wolverine?  But somehow, in this, the all-Wolverine-all-the-time installment, our favorite badass sort of came off as... well, as a pussy.   Come on guys, we have Clark Kent already filling the role of the reluctant hero.  Wolverine is supposed to kick ass, take names, and steal your motorcycle. I didn't dig the Ma and Pa Kent wannabes that took him in, and also the actual origins montage at the beginning was way rushed.  But Hugh Jackman spent a fair amount of time naked, so there's that.  And seeing the kid-version of Scott Summers (aka Cyclops) was cool.

Star Trek

Rating: 3.75 out of four stars

Now, that was the level of awesomeness I was expecting from Wolverine.  And dudes, I don't even like Star Trek, really.  So much awesome.  Live long, prosper, etc.  Also: nicely done, Sylar and kudos to Harold (you know, from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle).

Terminator: Salvation

Rating: 3.25 out of four stars.

Would have been four stars if the Christain Bale freakout dance remix had played during the end credits. 

And now let's talk trailers.  Specifically, the one that lured me into watching an entire hour of the MTV movie awards last night.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON trailer

My first reaction: Oh god no.  The wolves are terrible, Jasper's slow-motion run is terrible, Bella's papercut is terrible oh my god they're ruining everything AGAIN.

But now that I've slept on it and watched the trailer 20 more times online, I don't think the wolves are so bad.  It's unfortunate that they aired a Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince trailer twenty minutes before the New Moon trailer, reminding us all what really good special effects look like, but honestly... the wolves, they're OK.  Considering the sunlight dazzle fiasco and how bad the wolves COULD have been, they look goddamn fantastic.

And then there's Bella.  Or, I should say, Kristen Stewart, because she is the one cast member who continually reminds us that this is  just a movie and she's just an "actress" and none of this is real.  Which, unfortunately, is exactly the opposite of how Iwant to feel when I think of anything Twilight-related.  So, thanks for that, Kristen Stewart, and thank you for your continued attempts to ruin the Twi-universe for me.  Let me ask you this, have you ever had a papercut?  Did you ever toss aside the offending materials and exclaim "ouch!  a papercut!" while drip-dropping blood on your hosts' white carpet?   I hate you more with every passing day.  I pray for a miracle in which you are fired post-haste and all of the New Moon footage is re-shoot using your long-lost identical twin sister who knows what a goddamn papercut looks like and is able to recite lines AND insert the proper emotional responses.  Hint: proper emotional responses do not equal lots of blinking.

Jasper's lame ass slow-motion run at Bella during the birthday scene is disappointing, but is quickly saved by Edward's response.  And so I'm thinking that New Moon will be very similar to Twilight: lots of lame, easily correctable awkwardness and so-so special effects, countered by Robert Pattinson's magical ability to actually transform into Edward Cullen and remind all of us that Edward IS real and life WILL go on.  Except this time, it looks like Edward will have some help: Jacob.  Friends, I love Jacob.  I adore him. I am so, so glad that they didn't pull an actor switch because I really think that Taylor Lautner is capable of BEING Jacob, perhaps as much as Robert Pattinson pulls off Edward.  And since we know that Edward is going to be scarce in New Moon, let's all breathe a hearty sigh of relief over that one.

I am a little bit disappointed that we didn't see anything from Italy, especially since we know they have filmed the piazza scene, but I'll assume there wasn't time to edit and incorporate it into the trailer.  I am anxious to see Dakota Fanning  as Jane and even more so to see a fully edited clip of Edward walking into the sunlight (please please PLEASE let them tone down the dazzle effect), but I guess they need to hold back something to keep us going these next six months. 

In case you didn't suffer through the MTV Movie Awards to catch the first glimpse of the trailer, here's what you missed: 

• The nominations for best male breakout performance pitted Robert Pattinson/Edward (obviously) against Taylor Lautner/Jacob (ridic since Jacob had all of six lines in Twilight) against the kid from The Chronicles of Narnia.  I found it especially satisfying to see the Narnia kid lose, knowing that he lobbied hard to steal the role of Jacob from Taylor Lautner in the Twilight sequels. Eat that, Prince Caspian.

• Edward and Bella won for Best Kiss and Kristen Stewart ruined the moment by being awkward during the acceptance speech

• Robert Pattinson and Cam Gigandet (James) won for best fight

• Kirsten Stewart won Best Female Breakout performance and then dropped her award on the stage on her way out

• When the cast walked out to do the intro for the New Moon trailer, the music playing in the background was Knights of Cydonia by Muse (Stephenie Meyer's favorite band), off the same album as Supermassive Black Hole. I noticed, and I thought it was AWESOME.   

• Twilight won for Best Movie, showing the true force of Twilight fan power.  It beat out Slumdog Millionaire and Batman: The Dark Knight.  I still haven't seen Slumdog, but I know it won about ten million grammies or academy awards or whatever, but I did see The Dark Knight, and even I, a diehard Twilighter, will admit that Dark Knight was a better movie.  I am really, really impressed that Twilight beat it out, knowing that Dark Knight has its own fairly hardcore fanbase.

• Miley Cyrus beat out Paramore for Best Song (Paramour was up for Decode), which was supremely disappoining.

And because Dakota Fanning was first rumored as being in talks about casting for New Moon ten days after I declared that she'd be the perfect Jane, I'm jsut going to throw this out there:  If Starlight by Muse somehow makes its way onto the New Moon soundtrack, that would be really rad. 

Mission status report

Operation One Car: Phase One - Scooter procurement

It took the police less then 24 hours to find our adorable stolen scooter.  And then it took us a week, three trips to the city impound lot and $300 in fees to get the city to relinquish custody.   The repair shop a took another week and an additional $79 to assess the damage and report that it would cost a minimum of $1600 to get our poor scooter running again.  Since that's more than we paid, that's  not going to happen.  So... the poor scooter is sitting forlornly in the rain, guarding our rear deck. 

The question is, do we get a new scooter?  A dude who lives down the block came over to talk to us when we were unloading the sad, broken scooter from the back of Joel's truck and turns out he's had his scooter stolen too.  His was locked up better than ours was, so that's discouraging.  He said some other people a block over also got their scooter stolen.  It looks like locking it up on the sidewalk is out of the question.  The other option is to keep it in the backyard and wheel it through the house when we need to use it (NOT IDEAL), or to move some of the junk in our alley around and see if we could possibly squeeze it through there.  We did try that at first and it just seemed too difficult... but now that we basically know that anything left on the sidewalk is going to disappear, locks or no locks, I guess we can try it again.  There's a suitable replacement scooter in Virginia.  I just don't know.  I am not sure I can stand having my heart broken and my faith in humanity shaken again.  Or to have my bank account depleted any further.  Maybe I'll just get a bike instead.  Sigh.  Mission: on hold.

Operation One Car: Phase Two - New Car selection and purchase

In happier news, internet, say hello to our new family member:

She's a 2008 Mazda 3 hatchback, which makes her by far the newest car either of us has ever owned.  You guys, get this: THE AIR CONDITIONING WORKS!  We no longer need to keep a sweat towel in the car.  Basically, I am in love.  I feel like it took us FOREVER to make a decision (we also considered and/or test drove aNissan Sentra SER, Nissan Altima Hybrid, Ford Escape Hybrid, Honda Civic SI, Honda Civic Hybrid, Honda Fit and a Toyota Camry Hybrid), but I am really, really happy with this car.  It is the perfect car for us.  And have I mentioned that the air conditioning works?  

So, let's review: in our quest to be a one car/one scooter household, we now have... three cars and one broken scooter.   Right.

The next order of business is to sell my Jetta as soon as humanly possible.  The plan was to trade it in and avoid the hassle of dealing with the kooks and loons and possible murderers on Craigslist, and that would have been all fine and good if the Mazda dealership had offered me more than three hundred dollars for my trusty VW.   I mean, yes.  It has its problems.  But THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS?  No.  Especially when the very day before, Honda had offered me $1,000.   And to add literal insult to injury, the Mazda salesguy had the nerve to call my car a "beater".   And then I walked outside, started up my beater Jetta and ran him over.  The end.  No one talks to my car like that. 

Dealing with Craigslist so far has been predictably ridiculous.  One dude offered me half of my asking price to pick it up "2day in person".  Two others send identical two-word emails with no punctuation.  Another guy said he'd come and look at it immediately and then never showed up.  All in all, completely unsurprising.  There seem to be a few viable buyers mixed in with the kooks, so keep your fingers crossed.  And if you're interested in a 1998 Jetta, come on over.  She's a good car, and I want her to go to a good home.  I don't want to take her to Carmax.  That just feels like the equivalent of dropping her off at the pound and hoping she gets adopted. [UPDATE 6PM: And my Jetta just sold for the full asking price of $1,000.  I got over 20 inquiries in the 24 hours it was up on Craigslist.  SUCK ON THAT, ASSFACE SALESGUY. WHO'S A BEATER NOW?]

After the Jetta gets sold and we decide if we're getting a new scooter or not, Joel's truck will be next up on the chopping block.  As much as I've complained about that truck (it's too tall, it's hard for me to get into, the seatbelt cuts into my neck, there are no cupholders, ET CETERA), I'm feeling ridiculously nostalgic at the thought of selling it.  I told Joel this weekend that we could keep it if he really wanted to, and he pointed out that that would completely defeat the purpose of this whole mission, and I know that.  But still!  Sob.  I'm sorry for all the mean things I said, old truck.  Remember when you moved all our furniture to our new house, one truckload after another? Man, those were the days.  And how will I know when Joel is coming home from work without the distinctive sound of the 14-year-old truck engine cruising past the house in search of truck-sized parking space?   Jesus, I am going to cry.

Good day, sunshine

Item #1, Good News File:

You guys, the impossible has happened: the Baltimore City Police Dept recovered our adorable stolen scooter.  If you had asked me on Friday what the chances were we'd ever see that scooter again, I would have said about 10%.   And then I would have said there was a 1% chance she was driveable.  I really thought the only possibility was that the thieves would ditch her somewhere when they realized they couldn't drive her -- probably after beating the hell out of her, just for kicks.  

But it seems I have a lot to learn about grand theft auto (that's what it says on our police report, by the way.  Adorable scooter theft is Serious Biznass) and the hotwiring of scooters, because the cops apprehended a suspect in the act of riding our stolen scooter.  Riding it!  Without the key!  So... I guess it is possible to release all those built-in brakes.   Who knew? 

She's being stored in the city lot right now, which I imagine to be the vehicular equivalent to a dog pound.  Hang in there, little scooter, we're coming!  We just have to go down to the lot during the inconvenient hours of 8:30am and 5pm and submit proof of ownership, wait for the city to verify said proof of ownership, and then return with Joel's truck (which is currently in the shop) during those ultra-convenient business hours and pay the $130 tow fee and the daily storage fee.   Then we're planning to take her directly to some sort of scooter store to be repaired, because the message from the police indicated that there was "some damage" to the ignition and the gas cap.  So we should have her back in riding condition sometime this month, if we're lucky.  And dudes, I can't even bring myself to be annoyed.  WE'RE GETTING OUR SCOOTER BACK!  YIPPEE!

Item #2, Good News File:

I went to a wedding this weekend and I think it was probably the most fun I've ever had at a wedding.  A bold statement, I know.  I was, um, not exactly excited about going to this wedding for the following reasons (in descending order from most valid to least valid): 

• The wedding was in Iowa, and Iowa is far away. 

• Northwest Airlines changed my flights and added two hours to my layover in Minneapolis. 

• Joel had to coach, so I was going alone. 

• I was ridiculously tired after getting up at 5am on Wednesday and then having insomnia on Thursday because I was still pissed off about the scooter. 

• When I booked the flights, it seemed like a good idea to save $150 by flying out of DCA (a 45 min drive and then another 45 min metro ride away) instead of BWI (a 20 min drive).  

• I wanted to stay home and play with my cats all weekend. 

• I felt poopy and my knee hurt. 

• I couldn't decide which dress to wear and felt like wearing sweatpants all weekend. 

• My social anxiety, let me show you it. 

• I had a lot of TV to watch. 

• I didn't feel like packing. 

• Joe Biden says you get swine flu on airplanes.

My mood started to turn around the minute I arrived in the Des Moines airport.  The hotel shuttle I'd reserved not only showed up, but was right on time and the driver greeted me by name.  The hotel itself turned out the be the nicest Holiday Inn in the United States.   And when I finally dragged myself to the Friday evening pre-party, I had an awesome time.  The groom is a good friend of mine from college, and he was in a crappy relationship with a girl who can only be described as Pure Evil Incarnate for most of our undergrad years.  I met his new girlfriend, who'd later become his fiance, two years ago when he brought her to our college reunion, and I immediately wanted to give her a bear hug.    She is so wonderful and nice and perfect and at the risk of sounding really corny, their happiness was just infectious.  Plus, I had a free glass of wine at the hotel bar, followed by several free shots from the friendly hotel bartender, followed by several more free drinks at the Friday night pre-wedding party.  And then the best man performed an interpretive dance to Like A Prayer.  Naked.  It was a good time.

As an added bonus, I was able to convince my friend and his wife to drive out to see the bridges of Madison County with me on Saturday morning before the ceremony.  I am almost ashamed to admit that I not only read Robert Waller's book, but I loved it.  And yet, I managed to miss the fact that that the bridges in question were located in Iowa.  Fifteen miles from our hotel. 

But no matter what you thought of the book (or the movie, which I haven't seen), you have to agree that it'd be a shame to spend an entire weekend in Iowa and NOT see these bridges.  Well, that's what I say, anyway. 

We managed to squeeze in four of the remaining bridges before the ceremony started at 2pm.

Have I mentioned that I very nearly left the camera at home?  Joel took the small one to his race, and I didn't feel like lugging the big Nikon alllll the way to Iowa.   Yeah, I was THAT cranky on Thursday night.

Oh, and we also did a drive-by of John Wayne's birthplace-- we were planning to skip it, but all roads in Winterset, Iowa lead to the John Wayne museum.  No matter how many twists and turns we made trying to find the next bridge on our list, we were still forced to drive directly past the museum.  And when we saw the painted van tribute to Mr. Wayne outside, we figured we might as well stop by for a minute.  We drew the line at paying $6 for the guided tour, though.

I'm utterly exhausted, but in a happy way.   Thanks for the memories, Iowa.